bestest shirt ever created

EDIT: Done for a previous girlfriend.

Get That Random Monkey Off Your Back But Refrain From Spanking Him:
An adult work deserves an adult rant. I’m sure the entire world has watched the movie called “The Bestest Movie Ever And Not Even God Could Top It!!” also known as “Shrek”. Because of the dirty human race I will never be allowed to enjoy that movie ever again. In the movie, there’s a scene where the prince is in bed, with his zebra sheets, making the magic mirror replay the princess’ image over and over. At some point he makes the image pause, looks around, lifts the sheets, looks down, looks at you, and smiles. It then occurred to me that Pixar made a $35,000 computer generated masturbation reference. Wack-off humor is infinitely unfunny to me, in fact I find it pathetic and unoriginal…and I’m a little concerned about shaking your hand ever again if I find you laughing at such retardation. Oh look, he’s touching himself. Now he got caught. Hilarious! That’s the plot to every “American Pie movie”, sorry to spoil the script for you. The epitome of pathetic was a movie called “40 Days And 40 Nights”. A guy swears he can abstain from sexual conduct for as long as the movie’s title suggests, which only sustains as a barrage of self-molesting jabs used for each and every finely tuned punch line.
“DOOD I BET U TOUCH URSELF N TEH BED LOL!!!1!!”
“LIEK OMG I BET U TOUCH URSELF WHEN U LOOKD AT TEH PRON!!!!!!
ROFLMAO!!!!! DOOD U LIEK TOUCH URSELF IN TEH BED WHILE LOOKIN AT TEH PRON!!!!@!@#!@ewq~~@#!##~~331BWAAAAAAAAAAA”
By the by, ‘pron’ is ‘porn’ spelled by teenage girls. What irked me the most were all the rave reviews of the movie given by critics. Its really classy to know that obviously all these movie buffs get busy buffing themselves when alone. I hope they all burn in eternal maturbatory purgatory for making me waste my precious brain space with remembering the garbage. Why do some people talk about it with gusto? What is it that makes people register that guys somehow want to know that their friend goes home and punishes himself like a bad doggy? I find there’s always a creepy, shifty quality to a person’s character when you know he does it. Serial rapists have been bookmarked as being wanker kings, not that I’m drawing any accusations you know. I’m not ashamed, I’m proud to say that I have never had the urge to abuse myself. You see my hands are my tools, not my girlfriend. I’ve been intent to lose my virginity to a girl and not myself. Besides, man hand on man winkie equals much homo-erotic subtext that I don’t care for. Guys should never do it…and if girls do it…then more power to ‘em! What? I’m a moralistic guy but I’m still a friggin’ guy! Speaking of girls, it was as obvious as the sun is bright that a guy scripted the entire scene of that naughty girl in the “American Pie” movie. Its a double standard, when girls do it, very hot but with guys, not so hot and often gets their members stuck inside some kitchen appliance for reasons unknown. That scene could never be sexy if a guy starred in it. You bust in and there’s Chad humping your vintage Transformer pillows. Chad, you bastard. And…that’s it I guess. Isn’t it fun how we get to discuss all kinds of things, kiddies?
-The “Ana’s Gonna Be So Thrilled Her Drawing Houses The Wack Rant” Captain

Destroying Your Wonderful Childhood Toy Memories One At A Time:
Behold mortals! This here shall be the greatest shirt you will ever gaze upon, and the eager model happily showing off my wares is our very own Miss Ana. Ana’s gotten into the habit of shoving shards of plastic into her eye sockets, also known as contacts, and has been on me to doodle her without the trademark glasses. Don’t fret now, the 15-sizes-too-big-for-her-head rims will be put on future pics for posterity’s sake. And actually Ana’s hair is a supernatural shade of brown, though I render it raven so it gives good character contrast in my drawings. Yes I used raven to describe hair color, and I’m probably the only hetero guy who knows that term. Since she’s stuck promoting my corruptible clothes I might as well draw her in a satisfactory way. “LOL JASSN!!!!! DOTZ R SOO FUNNEH!!!!!! I ALWAYZ CRACK UPPERZ WEN I SEE PERIODS. <--OMG SEE?!!?!LOLOLOLOL. <--OMG I USED ANOTHER ONE!!!!LOL.<--OMG I US-” Some people viewing this are so smart that they were allowed into 6th grade twice so lemme just explain the awesomeness of my shirt. This was inspired by a board game called Twister. Its a mat with rows of colored dots. There’s also a spinner, and the spinner displays pictures of a right hand, left hand, right foot, and left foot, along with all the possible dot colors. You flick the spinner, and whatever limb and color gets chosen, the players must touch that dot with that body part on the mat and hopefully they can stay up (and hopefully can gain an unintentional rub from another player). “K BUT JASSN IF U FOLLOW TEH SHIRT INSTERUCTIONS THEN U R GOIN 2 TOUCH BOOBIEZ????? OOOOH I GET IT LOL!!!!!BRB!!!IMHO11!!!LMAO!!!ROFL!!!!!!GLOMP!!!!!1BAMF!!!@!@@!@#@#” I’m quite pleased with the attractive design, I’m sure you’ve all seen shirts designed with having tank tops over them. But is it just me or does the green part of the background strangely make you think of tree air fresheners for cars? Ah well, I’m still a genius. Future Topics: Jason’s Enigmatic Mind: Ingenious Or Diary Of A Madman? You Decide.
For Art Geeks: done with Micron Pigma pen 01 (.25mm), various color pencil collection, Prismacolor black marker.
-The “With This Game, Everybody’s A Winner!!” Captain