Spider Wimp Chronicles

Note: In this fast pace world, people can’t be bothered to read my long winded rants. Here’s the summary of the joke:
1) Movie Spider-Man, unlike comic book Spider-Man, is whiny and angsty and sucks.
2) He was so abysmal and annoying I wished he would just off himself.
3) But…if he did cut his wrists—where his web comes from—wouldn’t he bleed webbing?
4) HAHA MARY JANE IS NAMED AFTER WEED!!!!!11!

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Cappy’s Random Rant
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It has begun. I picked up the first two seasons of South Park because the DVD sets were on sale…and because I’m an immature manchild! I think South Park came out when I was in the seventh grade. I remember my friend Chris running for school president, and making him a campaign poster of “Vote for Chris…or Kenny gets it!” along with a picture of Kenny bound to a chair.
That promotion lasted all of half a day before the administration took down the posters.
I was a man fighting The Man, man!

The purpose of this rant isn’t to impress you girls with my cultured taste in television series. Just like Ren & Stimpy, South Park was awesome BECAUSE of its crudeness. What is it about fuddy-duddy adults that can’t get this concept? And that crudeness was magnified by nuking it in the badassitude machine when they managed to attach some type of social commentary to the show.

And with the season boxsets, I snatched up the South Park movie. Because I enjoy people saying stuff that ticks me off, I decided to see what Roger “I Never Made A Film” Ebert had to say on this masterpiece of cinema. I guess it’s human nature to watch things that make us yell at the screen, and I constantly plug in movies I enjoy into [link] and billow “Constantine WAS a good movie you human beanbag!”

I don’t know why we listen to movie critics, in fact I don’t understand what makes you an authority on cinema other than watching a lot or foreign romance films and having taken an analytical class in community college. Hey! I shelled out thirty frickin bucks for an overpriced foreign film by the Criterion Collection, where’s my snooty diploma?!

As an aside, get Ikiru (To Live) by Akira Kurosawa from the Criterion Collection, when you realize what an utter humanistic jewel this 1952 film is, you realize what utter garbage current live action Japanese films are by stark contrast.
BUT JASSN OMG TEH SUICIDE CLUB!!!! JAPAN ISH EDGY!!!!
Whatever, weeaboo. In Ikiru, an important government official discovers he has stomach cancer. He realizes that, with several decades and a couple appreciation plaques, they equal nothing and leave no mark on the world that he was there.
And the second half of the film takes place AFTER the main character dies!
1952!!
Seven years after getting a bomb dropped on them!!
The acting is jaw droppingly amazing, the character development as the protagonist tries to find meaning, and the depressing-inspiring-depressing social commentary that’s still timely, made me run out the next day and buy half a dozen inflated priced films of Akira Kurosawa’s. Watch his stuff, and then wonder if afterwards Godzilla destroyed all of Japan’s theater schools.

Oh right, let’s get back to this intellectual discussion about the South Park movie! I went to the website that hosts the Siskel-Ebert, Ebert-and-guest-reviewers-when-Siskel-died-from-brain-cancer, Ebert-Roeper, Roeper-and-guest-reviewers-when-Ebert-got-jaw-cancer videos.
JASSN STOP NOW!! U SHOULDN’T ATTACK PEOPLE WHO R SICK, CUZ THEY WILL HAUNT U WHEN THEY DIE!!!!!
Hey now, what happened to Ebert is extremely sad, and I’m hoping his healing process hits no more snags. But when an aspect of somebody’s life hits a snag, it is MORE demeaning to treat them like fragile eggs and not like a fellow person…differing opinions and all.

I loaded the Ebert-and-guest-reviewer-when-Siskel-died-from-brain-cancer video, and it was everything I expected and more! Roger “Said Videogames Could Never Be An Art Form” Ebert was shooting daggers at his coworker with every praise the film garnered.

Guest: I liked this film, South Park may be crude, but I like social commentary they present!
Ebert: Whatever commentary they tried to make, they’re too mean!
Guest: The commentary is very timely; they talk about censuring, and the idea that movies inspire people to mimic what they see.
Ebert: Movies do inspire people to mimic them! I fear this film will do just that! It’s trash and all it inspires people to do is pick up curse words!

Of course, right after I heard Ebert’s condemnation, I googled his review of “Taxi Driver”. Children, let me give you sage advice: knowledge is wonderful, because anybody can uncover it. ‘Taxi Driver’ is a film that stars Robert Di Nero and Cybill Shepherd. It’s about a disturbed taxi driver, an underaged prostitute, and an attempted assassination on a political candidate. Fun fact: The guy who attempted to assassinate Ronald Reagan was obsessed with Taxi Driver, and tried to kill the prez because he thought it would impress the actress from the movie.

So what does Roger “ Protect The Chillens From Influential Films” Ebert had to say about Taxi Driver, a movie that DID inspire a person to want to kill the president?
VISUAL POETRY!
I’VE WATCHED IT A DOZEN TIMES!
THE ULTRA VIOLENT ENDING IS LIKE A MUSICAL SYMPHONY!

Hypocrite. At least I tried to learn something in the South Park movie.

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Cappy’s Rockin’ Rendition
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Once again, me being an adult of sound mind and with full autonomy, found myself standing in the toy department searching for any new Transformer releases. They’ve released those Marvel-Transformer crossover toys. I knew that Jesus wouldn’t forgive me if I chose to deny the Iron Man/McDonald’s jet one…but there was also a Spider-Man/scooter one as well.

I thought about it for a bit.
Why AM I thinking about it?
Do I even like Spider-Man?

The world darkened around me. All the world’s animals bowed their heads, and above, the clouds opened up to shine a beam of radiant light. A voice so aged, so wise, so kind filled my mind:
“My son, it is I.”
“…God? What’re you doing here at Toys R Us?”
“Let your heart’s trouble be eased. Spider-Man is indeed good. At least the comics are. Spidey’s sassy sermons would have filled up people’s bellies with laughter if he were on the mount that day. Except that movie Spider-Man. He was droll. Who’s that actor who screwed that up? I’ll be sure to send him to someplace warm when I meet him.”

So I bought that as well. Spider-Man used to be really cool. He was wise cracking and mostly optimistic…I mean, he’s an effing man-spider! That’s super sweet. I have no clue why they drained all the quirk and charm out of the character for the film.


I wasn’t impressed with the first movie, simply because I had my fill of main characters whining “oh man I can’t do this it’s too much responsibility but with great power comes great responsibility okay I’ll do it!” back when I was an anime jockey in the 90s. The second movie showed real promise, and I haven’t seen the third Spider-Man movie. From what I’ve heard though, right after watching the movie, you’ll crap out a band member of Linkin Park, it’s just so full of angst.

I asked if Venom was in there. He is. I asked if Carnage is in there. He is. And the movie still sucked?! Even Amish kids know who Venom and Carnage are, you need to hold a focus meeting and really make effort to TRY to make them suck.

Apparently, out of all the possible villains, they pick the Sandman to focus on. Dude, the moneymaker is definitely Mysterio and that snowglobe head of his! Jeez, I would’ve settled for the Vulture. I mean, even that lizard in the lab coat would have been more interesting; they could have even borrowed the tyrannosaurus prop from ‘Jurassic Park’ and put a lab coat over it. Ta-daa! I just saved you money on that ludicrous budget you had in making that polished turd.

I’m really getting tired of the dysfunctional love relationship angle every comic book movie has pushed since frickin’ forever. The Superman movie, the Punisher, the Spider-Man suckilogy, Ghost Rider, both retarded beauty and the Hulk movies…I wanna see crap getting blown up! I could care less about these 3D versions of 2D characters and their one dimensional love life, mainly because they all have the same scenario:
“I know that being with you would put my life, my family’s life, and my associates’ lives all in danger, but I want some of that super hero humping!”
And then the inevitable sequel plot twist of “Oh crap, they really did come after me! I totally can’t be with you and your hectic hero schedule with you selfishly saving other people instead of taking me to buy new shoes!”

The only exception to this rule would be the Iron Man dynamic. The actors are just so genuinely likeable, not to mention the most emotionally stable I’ve yet seen, that I found myself rooting for them to hook up. This movie is also what I want to see in a super hero movie: the instant the main character sees a conflict of interest, he takes the reins and charges in to make change. The longer he mopes the more people die! Good on ya, Stark!

About the art. Well, I normally would talk about what the joke means, but I already summarized it above. So…this description is over, the end!
-The “Like The Ending Of Most Super Hero Movies, The Description Ending Leaves No Closure” Cappy

For the copycats: micron pigma pens 05 and 01 (linework), prismacolor markers, colored pencils
References: the first page of a google image search of ‘spider-man’