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Cappy’s Random Rant
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“THAT CAPPY IS, LIKE, SO FUNNY AND CRAZY AND SUPER HANDSOME EVEN THOUGH I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!!!!1!!! SOMETIMES I STAY UP LATE STARING AT THE CEILING AND IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH THAT GUY…AND WONDER WHAT HIS HAIR SMELLS LIKE. MMM.”

Well I was flattered until it took a turn into Buffalo Bill country. I think we’ve firmly established that it is “interesting” to say the least to hold conversations with me. Allow me to simulate the Cappy Experience (tm) for those who’re curious.

I was at a social gathering barbeque, and was seated next to an engaged couple I know. The lady said that she was a vegetarian, and the guy said that he became a vegetarian as of late as well. I asked if he was a vegetarian by “choice”, the guy laughed and said it was lonely cooking meat for himself and having his fiancé look at his meal with sad eyes. I piped up, “Hey, my philosophy is: if God didn’t want me to eat meat, He wouldn’t have made animals so tasty!” The guy laughed, and to ensure his ride home would be enjoyable I addressed his fiancé “But there was this one comedian that said: Heart attacks: God’s revenge for eating His animal friends. See, I got jokes for everyone!”

After the laughter, the lady said she didn’t dislike the taste of meat…it’s just how they’re slaughtered. I continued her train of thought and stated “You watched the PETA videos, huh?” People, I won’t tell you to search for the PETA videos on how cows and chickens are prepared for consumption, for I have seen them and they will test your love of protein. When I watched them I was like, holy crap, this is awful. It’s also a shame that you’re just SO EFFING TASTY, BESSY!! I’ll cry a single tear to let roll off my cheek, with which to marinade my tri-tip!

I acknowledged that her stance was commendable. Though some animals need to be prepared under awful conditions, like pigs. Pigs need to be slaughtered in such a way to drain their blood, otherwise there’s risk of parasitic infection. I stated that, I too, have taken a stance on two particular entrées that I will not touch.

I refuse to eat lobster or crab. You can’t kill them by normal means; when their shell is punctured they produce toxic foam and render the animal unedible…it’s a defense mechanism (you can see it happen in that Tom Hanks movie ‘Cast Away’ ). The solution: you have to boil the crustaceans alive!! A comedian once summed it up nicely “How barbaric is that, the poor lobster leaves its tank and thinks these friendly humans have set up a sweet Jacuzzi for it.”
THE DEATH JACUZZI!!
Death Jacuzzi: A quality film by Ewe Boll, coming to theaters this fall.
Another awful aspect is that you physically pick out the victim from those live fish tanks at restaurants. I imagine people acting like roman emperors when pointing to the condemned shellfishes “Hmm…I declare that one shall die!!”

So yes, that is a normal dinner conversation with me.

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Cappy’s Rockin’ Rendition
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Okay, look. I haven’t seen ‘Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull’. In fact, I’m not an uber fan of the series, and all I remember about the movies are:
*melting Nazis
*Sean Connery is Indy’s dad
*didn’t Indiana talk to some type of ghost knight?
*somebody’s still-beating heart being pulled out…that was awesome.

I will eventually see the movie, but man…in the previews and posters and promotional items…Harrison Ford looks like he’s about to DIE. All the villains have to do is wait past 8:30, and they can ambush Indy in the nursing home when it’s lights out. Thanks Dr Pepper, I may still uphold my New Year’s resolution to drink less soda, seeing as every time I try to take a sip from a can, I see the soulless eyes of a mummy piercing my very soul.

In fact, my other idea for fanart was Indiana wrestling with the undead and yelling at Silo LaBuffer to “shoot the mummy”. The kid panicking yells “which one do you want me to shoot?!”
There…aren’t mummies in the new movie, right?
There better not be.

Apparently this new outing is very CG heavy. Has anybody that’s not your mom not been scared from CG graphic scenarios? You see the actor being chased by what looks like a crocodile done up in oil paints, and in a split second the actor disappears and the masterpiece amphibian is devouring a waxy stunt double. Can you believe that George Lucas honestly thought CG graphics were at their peak in 1997 (that’s when the special edition of Star Wars episode IV was released with SEEMLESSLY INTEGRATED COMPUTER GRAPHICS YOU TOTALLY CAN’T TELL). But…maybe Oldbeardone Kanobi is right about CG hitting its peak, because it seems like all CG studios are located in the Uncanny Valley. Look up ‘uncanny valley’ to realize the genius of my jokes.

Fun fact: George Lucas and Steven Spielberg were having a field day “enhancing” their classic movies with digital technology. It started with Star Wars IV, V, and VI, and with Spielberg’s E.T. A lot of people were upset with changing perfectly good movies, and even the creators of South Park did an episode where the kids try to save the classic movies from the crazy directors. I believe the plot device was that ‘Raiders Of The Lost Ark’ is redone with computer graphic-enhanced scenes, which makes the movie so horrible that is kills the souls of those that watch it. Legend has it, there actually WERE plans to redo ‘Raiders Of The Lost Ark’ in similar fashion, but due to the South Park episode, the idea was dropped.

Hmm, I can’t remember the point I’m trying to make…maybe that Harrison’s old.
-The “How Much Treasure Does The Standard Colostomy Bag Hold?” Cappy

For the copycats: micron pigma pen 04 (linework), Prismacolor markers, colored pencils.
References: Google image search for Indiana Jones’ face and clothing.