Fetishes Of The Caribbean

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Cappy’s Random Rant
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Tales from the Cap! I figured I might as well type up my real-life adventures before, like all the geniuses before me, I’m struck with Alzheimer’s and left only to think that American Idol is NOT karaoke. No. NOOO!!

Once upon a time, I had to take a summer class in high school. Summer school is quite different than regular school…it’s like school plus! I don’t know what happens in the summer, but the humor fairy must sprinkle something into coffee pots in the teachers’ lounge. The teacher I had joked around and pretty much shot the breeze with his class of pimply-faced lackeys. In fact most of his stories started with “Okay, now don’t ever try this, but…”
It was awesome.

One of his stories talked about how he was poor in college, so what he did to save a few bucks was to take a letter, reverse the mailing address and return address on the envelope, and not put a stamp on it. Get it, so when the postal service tried to return your letter for insufficient funds, they’d really be sending your letter to its intended destination! Of course, his disclaimer was that you could go to jail for defrauding the United States Postal Service. Plus, it might be a little suspicious if the return address is in Arkansas and you place the letter in California.

Another morally bankrupt idea by our mentor started off with “Okay, now make sure not to do this to a person if you live in a two-story house…you could kill him.”
He had our attention.
What you do, for the ultimate prank, is sneak into their room in the middle of the night, take a flashlight, shine it in their face…and scream “FIIIIRE!!” at the top of your lungs. Your victim’s half-functioning brain will spaz out and you will be treated to hilarity as he or she stumbles all over the place. So as you can guess, the problem arises when the borderline blinded chicken runs to the banister… probably flips themselves over it and pinwheels right into the tile below.
Still sounds good!

I think I managed to improve on this last one, though. When you’re driving at night with a passenger, and the passenger makes the error of dozing off…creep the vehicle as close as you can to a tree, shine your brights on the massive oak, and just start screaming like a burn victim! The passenger will wakeup, just register the big frickin’ tree inches from your faces, and think you’re destined to wrap your car around it! Bonus points for getting a coconspirator to stand right next to the passenger door with a camcorder to videotape the epic level of girl-screams coming from the passenger.
Hey guys, let’s go on a road trip!

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Cappy’s Rockin’ Rendition
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Mark this day on your calendar gentlemen and hardladies! I declare this the only Pirates Of The Caribbean drawing on DevArt that doesn’t include squid people, buckets, Jack Sparrow, or implied homoeroticism between any of the previous mentions.

Men and women watched PotC (oh so THAT’S what that acronym on your profile meant!) with entirely different agendas. Men watched the film objectively to see a good story, whereas women kept fantasizing about what kind of party they’d have with thirty-nine versions of Jack Sparrow (sadly, twenty-six of those versions will be forced to do yaoi). In all fairness, guys during the first movie all thought, “Dang, that Sparrow character is the hottest chick with a moustache I’ve ever seen!”
Shut up you know he’s more feminine than the girl characters.

Back on topic, I watched At-World’s-End-But-Seriously-This-Is-Disney-So-It’ll-Really-Be-Like-The-Never-Ending-Story-With-So-Many-Plot-Holes-Davy-Jones-Was-Lucky-His-Bucket-Wasn’t-Made-Out-Of-Our-Script in theaters a few months ago. I was swimming in a sea of kids, children, and youths, all squealing at the sight of Sparrow rather than laughing at any of the intended humor. Don’t get me wrong, I thought it was a good movie, I’d say it was an above average series when compared to most of these trilogy booster paks. Although when Elizabeth (I went on Wikipedia to find out everybody’s name not spelled Jack or Sparrow) tried to give her morale speech, all I could think of was Braveheart. Braveheart had the best morale speech in all of cinematography…and when Elizabeth tried her hand at it, with dramatic music and pirates quiver-lipping in the background, she totally dropped the ball when she forced pirate terminology like “salty seadogs” and “bilge rats”. From then on her motivation just seemed comically bad. But it still didn’t detract from the movie.

Let’s get back to getting back on topic. The unfitting rock that derailed the fun train down into the ravine of sadness and poo came during the ‘beach scene’, as illustrated above in glorious watercolor-o-vision. Out of effing nowhere, we are forced to watch Will make out with Elizabeth’s leg. FOR TWO MINUTES. I like legs as much as the next man, but man, the way he macked on her kneecap “Aw baby, it’s so SMOOTH!!” was so…so…
Awkward.
Yes, awkward is the word for it. It wasn’t sexy, in fact I didn’t mark my picture as mature because there was no way that even the most sultry of individuals found any eroticism from the scene. In any other movie, I would have joked with my friends that if he moved up a ‘foot’ higher, he’d totally find something better than her leg. But it’s Disney! So for two minutes, I felt awkward, the kids, the children, and the youths felt awkward…and probably sexually misinformed. If you stayed thru the whole ten minutes of credits, the bonus ending showed that apparently babies are made by rubbing your face on chicks’ ankles. Disney should really avoid trying to be erotic, it was like they decided to greenlight a chapter of some thirteen-year-old’s fanfic idea: “His weathered lips paved a trail of lust and wanton and she cooed in decadent delight, lol” looks really retarded all acted out.

Whelp, I expect an angry comment or two from the chick I ‘totally stoled and copywrite infringed’ her yooneeke fanfic, but otherwise I predict my art buddies get a kick out of my observation.
-The “Knocking Her Boots Is Just An Expression” Cappy

For the copycats: Micron Pigma pen 02 (linework), discontinued Crayola educational watercolors (fitting I’d use those on a beach scene).