Don't Mute The Mutts

I opted not to rate this mature, because the way I use ‘bitch’ is more accurate than offensive. For those of us who’ve seen the word outside of rap lyrics, we know the term describes a female dog. And so my statement means I don’t focus on the pedigree, or who the parents are of my canine companion. Surely, my clever art buddies figured it out!

As you know, your Cappy promotes certain views that sometimes go against the collective consensus. Heck, I thought Constantine was a great movie! Film hacks like Ebert and Roeper said it was unbelievable that there’s only one man against the army of Hell. Oh really, and tacticians study the Lord of the Rings’ battle sequences for accurate depictions on how to tackle Tree Giants? There’s a reason these tools sit around and nitpick movies instead of making them.

Oh right, my art. I’ve wanted to make this idea a reality for a long time. I did two versions, one for my male art buddies and another for da ladies. It was an alphabetic contest between ‘Missy’ and ‘Madam’…but a madam is synonymous with a specific profession, so unless you live in Mexico I don’t think you’d support that wording.
And ‘Mademoiselle’ would have just been ridiculous.

I do not like purebreds. I’ll say it right to a newborn Pug’s windshielded face! Why spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars on a stereotype when you could save a mutt from the pound and it’s a gamble personality! Some people have argued with me that their purebred is a beautiful and intricate flower of complexity. Then…why did you pick the breed? Go online and search the official site for your dog and discover its pooch profile; cripes it’s like baseball stats on their predictability. The contradictibility of people buying specific breeds without the understanding that they have inherent traits is why morons still buy Pitbulls. “IT IZ TEH HYOOMAN OWNOR”S FALLT TEH DAWG KILLZ!!!!!1” and then surprise! It eats their neighbor’s kid. Well of course the dog didn’t seem insane, you wouldn’t have kept it around if it did.

I did a paper on purebreds years ago, and many of these animals suffer from what is called King’s Disease (I ended up printing a rap sheet several pages long of inbred mutations among these sought-after elites). See, back in the day royalty intermarried into their family to keep the bloodline pure and dignified, and once the noblemen contracted a disease from not keeping his vows noble, the STD would bloom down the family tree forevermore.

My family had to take care of a friend’s Scottish Terrier (the black dog from Lady And The Tramp movie)…man that was a mean little troll. Anyway, it was afflicted with Scottie Cramps, meaning whenever it got excited the dog’s joints locked up and it would stiffly walk around like a mummy. It would’ve been heartbreaking if I hadn’t hated the dog and thus hilarious!

Also, not all purebreds are ‘ pure’. Boxers need to be bred with Bulldogs to mix up the gene pool every once in a while to avoid retard babies. I know this…because we have a Boxer. My brother brought the puppy home for free, otherwise the breeders were afraid they’d have to put the puppy to sleep. Why? Because there was an unexplainable discoloration with its eye and people wouldn’t buy a purebred with such a blemish.
I DON’T KNOW WHERE MY HOSTILITY COMES FROM.
That has got to be the most ADD breed in the world; I’m too old and embittered with the world to find joy in a dog that never runs out of batteries. On the plus side, the maniacal mongrel monster produced the best real-life scenario I’ve seen in a while.

Apparently, the unwritten rule is to name your dog Boxer after famous…?
That’s right, human boxers! See, I said you were smart.
My brother opted to name the dog Cassius, after Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali’s born name). Rolls off the tongue, huh? My sibling could have been clever and named the animal Clay, because of the discolored eye…but whatever. Without telling anyone, my genetic doppelganger went to the pet store and ordered a dog collar with the name printed on it.
Oh, you bet it didn’t end well!
My brother, the human Microsoft Word document, thought that an actual man was named “CASH US”. That’s right, two words, one of those words referring to currency. My mother tried to defend the flub, “Oh he knew the name, we was just being cute!” You mean the same voluntary satire when he misspelled ‘congradulations’ on a card for when she graduated college (see, it MUST be a word only meant for college ‘grads’ )? In another smart move my womb relative wants to crop the dog’s ears…another fine quality to purebred owners.

I feel obligated to write how much I love and adore and respect my bruddah, in the foresight that he could probably snap my neck with his physical strength.

That’s a summary of my feelings on purebreds. I’d much rather save a mix from the pound, seeing as thousands get put to sleep. But you go ahead and pay extra for the inbred dog, such activities seem to produce quality individuals in humans. If it makes you feel better my pet-loving artists with expendable income, I view you in a brighter light than ferret owners.

YES! Allow me to blitzkrieg another unsuspectingly obscure subgroup. I have no qualms or hate towards the actual animal. It’s the owners of these Dachshunds of the polecat kingdom. I remember being somehow misled down the alleyway of Youtube’s Tard District: the place where videos of anime AMVs, shouting “Bush sucks!!” into your webcam, and jerky captures of people’s pets all converge into a shantytown of unwarranted self-importance and capability. I saw a video of someone displaying their kawaii ferret, really just slinking around being very nervous (probably from its owners unhealthy obsession with Sesshomaru and forcing it to be that shawl during cosplay). Before sighing and closing the Internet altogether, a user comment stuck out at me: “Jesus, every ferret owner’s house I’ve seen looks like a goddamn tornado blew thru it.” No honest words have been discovered in written form. It’s true: EVERY video I have ever stumbled upon of ferret lovers shows their dwellings as a diorama of ‘Hiroshima…fifteen minutes after that fateful decision’.
Absolutely astonishing squalor; I’m surprised their governor hasn’t declared their home a disaster zone and given government aid for a Merry Maid.
If you’re gonna post a video for the world to see, you could at least pick up the unfathomable amounts of empty Kraft macaroni boxes and Vault bottles. I now understood my Mom’s OCD about cleaning the house before company arrived. Sorry for complaining! Before any ferret owners post a venomous comment, look around your room…
That’s what I thought. Do some laundry!
-The “Who Should I Offend Next?!” Cappy

For the copycats: Micron Pigma pen 03 (linework); discontinued Crayola educational watercolors; green and red Pilot V5 rolling ball pens (colored linework); mechanical pencil with shading stump (shadows).