Today’s Microsoft Masterpiece is brought to you by Diet Dr. Pepper!
Diet Dr. Pepper: Tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper if regular Dr. Pepper tasted like crap!

I was watching judge shows, cuz it helps to remind me to NEVER TRUST ANYONE ESPECIALLY FAMILY SO MAKE SURE YOU DIE ALONE AND EMBITTERED. And at every commercial break, the station was advertising that ‘Vampire Diaries’ show.
Hopefully it’ll cancel within the week for not having enough sparkles.

And so, with the surge of century-old vampires hanging around high school gyms enough to inspire Dateline to plan their next ‘To Catch A Predator’ series on, I remembered this old joke of mine that I thought needed to be digitally remastered. Or reVAMPed, if you will!

If you’re a fan of ‘Twilight’, that’s fine, as long as you’re aware that it probably helps to explain your crappy history in dating. A majority of otherworldly romantic stories I’ve come across center around straw-teeth and jailbaits. I don’t know how you find these scenarios romantic, because I translate every dialogue the vampire says into:

Sparkly McChiseledJaw: I have lived long enough to see the Ottoman Empire fall, I have witnessed the birth of new languages, and I have dined with royalty. But YOU, sixteen-year-old with your Hello Kitty Trapper Keeper and fascination with black nail polish. Your insistent talk about the ‘Gossip Girl’ show and your sketchbook full of cartoon boys making out has captivated me like no else on this mortal coil. This is totally not about you being horrendously naïve and having big boobs.
Which are awesome by the way.
Bet I could use them like a raft!

-The “Yes The Title Is Supposed To Be Spelled That Way” Cappy